Quiet Dreams: Love…

…is something my past fiance thought (probably still thinks) that I am incapable of. Why? She questioned that someone who doesn’t like themselves cannot be capable of love. We haven’t communicated in years, but I do still have feelings for her and the aftermath of our relationship ending was devastating to me, particularly since I was going through the worst period of depression in my life. That was the one time I have ever been engaged and will probably be the last.

I’m not exactly bitter about love, but disappointed, largely with myself. I am so used to being alone that the thought of sharing a home is difficult to conceive at this stage. Most likely, since I am such an introvert, I will remain alone. I miss my last girlfriend dearly, but I wasn’t able to fully commit to a long-term relationship and felt it was doing her more harm than good. Yeah, I’m a mess when it comes to this stuff.

On the other hand, there remain a great deal of people in my life that I love and it is reciprocated. These are also very patient people, given my proclivity to be silent for long periods of time. Facebook has long been the point of contact for me and to know how I am doing. However, much of what I have to say is a bummer to many and outright worries others, hence the blog. They can choose to read it without finding what I write blasted across their screen. Twitter is my new favorite obsession, though, because of the diversity of people that I regularly interact with. My Facebook is mostly white folk, whereas my twitter is mostly POC, or muslims, or most anything outside of my daily life and I love that. Kind of hard to read that and reconcile it with the fact that I used to be a racist and bigot.

Yeah, you read that correctly and I have discussed it in the past. People can change and, god forbid certain people read this, these days I am more likely to be attracted to a woman of color than a white woman. Maybe I will return to this later, particularly since I am determined to, if not write daily, make 30 posts this month. I need to write out some more topics to accomplish this but expect more posts about mental health, poetry, fiction, and maybe some anecdotes from my years as a park ranger.

Thank you for stopping by, I appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings. Hopefully you will come around later and remember to be kind to yourselves, darlings.


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