So, it has been nearly three months since I last posted and rather sporadic for some time before that. I had surgery in June that led to me being home-bound for seven weeks. That was when things really started to go downhill. It was frustrating not being able to run errands or even to do much walking around this little town to pick things up that I needed. Work was piling up that could not be addressed, deadlines were passing. Things continue to run behind as my mental state has continued to degrade.
I no longer have a concept of happiness. Writing had been my anchor and helped considerably, but it has become next to impossible to do so. My mind has been so sluggish for so long now that it has become my new normal. Will I even get things back on track at work? It isn’t looking likely, so I am returning to the job hunt. The state that I am in is far from being effective at what I do. In a few months will be my forty-sixth birthday and I have nothing significant to show for my life apart from the fact that I remain in spite of so many periods of being suicidal. Suicidal ideation has also become the new normal. If you are unfamiliar with this, it isn’t a perpetual state of danger to self, but more a wish to simply not exist. To have never been.
I’m in a place where I do not want to die, just not to exist. The world is too complicated for me to be able to process at this point and it’s the same with life. There’s a night watchman position open and a local marine company. Maybe that is more my speed since it is hard to say if my current cognitive abilities will start to return to what they had been or if this is the new normal. There are too many variants to take into account. I am weary to the the core, both physically and mentally, with no relief in sight. Hopefully I can get back into a writing schedule for the sake of sanity if nothing else.
Thank you for reading, my darlings. Please remember that there are resources available to assist with depression and plenty are free of charge. I’ll look for resources soon and post those if anyone needs them. All my love to you you and remember to be kind, sparing some for yourself.