Quiet Dreams: “Are you okay?”

Trigger warning

I was recently asked this question and received a shocked reaction to a short laugh and the reply “I am absolutely not okay.”

For over two years my mental health has deteriorated exponentially compared to the teetering it experienced beforehand. I have become ever more withdrawn from society in general and those close to me particularly. This remains an ongoing condition and has led me to consider even abandoning social media.

Suicidal ideation, a passive state of wishing one did not exist or that something might happen to end existence, has always featured in my life, but is now a near constant presence in my life. In this same time frame, suicidal thoughts have resurfaced multiple times whereas before I could go for years between periods. I have not been actively suicidal, however, regardless of the depths these thoughts have become.

There is no joy in my life, nor happiness or feelings of contentment. I simply exist from one day to the next and much of my spare time is occupied with sleeping. Food and nicotine give brief respite to the emptiness, nothing more.

I trust almost no one in life, and those that I do are aware of themselves. The sensation of trusting another person has become dangerous to me mentally, always feeling forced to second-guess intentions and even signs of altruism.

Life has never felt so empty to me before now. Hollow, purposeless, and bereft of any singular meaning.

Confidence? Self-love? So many things have happened in the last several years that all the old degradations, direct or implied, have returned: Useless, incompetent, idiocy, overweight, awkward, uncomely, et al. Sometimes they are not words, but tone of speech, eye-rolling, being ignored, etcetera ad nauseum.

“You should smile more.”

Fuck that. It will not wipe away the bullshit my mind is saying to me. Besides, so many stretches of time where I stopped taking care of myself combined with poor diet and my teeth are ruined. Smiling would compound my inward loathing in revealing this.

I have tried to get my life on track repeatedly over the decades and have failed miserably every time. I will never understand this world that has rarely exhibited the effort to do so in itself. However, I am trapped here to do the best with this catastrophe that is possible until such time as I expire, alone.

4 thoughts on “Quiet Dreams: “Are you okay?”

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  1. I know you know, and I know it’s hard to trust, but I will keep saying it. You aren’t alone. There’s a weird witchy girl in the Cackalack thinking of you and hurting that you’re hurting. If you need to be in the hole for a bit, I’ll hop down there and keep you company.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I want there to be something I could do for you are say to you that could help you. But as always I’m praying for you. I really actually truly do care about you. And love you. I hope and pray you find your way out of the swamp of sadness.
    Currently I’m a bit…numb. don’t get me wrong. I still care, still have emotions, but there’s underlying meh. I recently hear from a friend who had gone missing for 2 years. I wanted to cry. But I couldn’t. Not totally. And when I found out I had RMSF, there was a part of me that hoped it woul kill me. But I’m still here. And while I’m here I’m gonna do my best to be a Sun Catcher.

    Liked by 1 person

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